Funnies
and Jokes
If you have any funnies that you would like to add to this page please send them to me at lesandkia@yahoo.com In the meantime, I stuck on a few to get the page started.
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Two little pigs were talking one day on the farm. Porky pig asked his friend "What are you going to be when you grow up?"
"I'm
going to grow up into a big, fine, handsome hog!" his little friend replied. "mmmmm.."
said Porky .."then what?"
"Well, after that.." his little friend answered, "I'm going to live in Wales and practise every day at climbing those steep and rocky hills."
"...and then?" asked Porky.
"After that," he said, " I'm going to live on the border of France and Spain."
"Whatever for?" enquired his friend, Porky.
"Because I've always wanted to be a Pyrenean Mountain Hog!"
he he.
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A Pyrenean Mountain
Dog went into a pub one day for a drink. He walked up to the bar and put his
front paws on the b
ar. Inquisitively, the barman approached the dog and asked
"Can I help you?"
"Yes," the dog replied "I'd like a pint of lager please,"
Amazed, the barman proceeded to pour the drink and was thinking to himself "It's only a brainless dog, he isn't gonna have a clue what price drinks are, I can rip him off a bit here." So, as he served the dog the drink, the barman said "That'll be £10 please," The dog promptly gave the man his money.
Trying to make conversation, and still inquisitive, the barman said "We don't get many Pyrenean Mountain Dogs in here."
To which the dog promptly replied "I'm not surprised at £10 a pint!"
he he
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A lady was walking
through the park one sunny day when she noticed a Pyrenean Mountain Dog sat
handsomely alongside a park bench with a man browsing through a magazine.
Overcome with the u
rge
to shower the dog with admiration she approached the man and asked .. "Does your
dog bite?" To which the man replied "No, no, not at all." The lady then
outstretched her hand to stroke the dog when the Pyre suddenly snapped at her and
bit her hand. (as if a Pyre would do that, c'mon its just a joke). Anyway, the
lady was naturally outraged and shouted at the man .. "YOU TOLD ME YOUR DOG
DOESN'T BITE!!" Looking up at the lady, the man said "Yes, that's true. My
dog is very friendly indeed, but this isn't my dog." he he
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This bloke came out of a pub one day and didn't notice a lump of dog poo on the pavement (no, it wans't Pyrenean Mountain Dog Poo -- OK it was!!) He stepped in it, slipped, and both his feet and legs went horizontal in the air as did his arms, and he ended up falling flat on his back. He then picked himself up and started to dust himself off. As he was doing so, another chap came out of the pub and did exactly the same thing.
"Ive just done that !" the first man said.
"Well," said the second man, "that's disgusting! You should 'pick it up' or use a toilet like anyone else!!"
he he
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This guy one day in a
pub with his PMD, bragging to the landlord that his Pyrenean Mountain Dog could
'talk'. "Don't be stupid!!" the barman said, "dogs don't talk!". After a few
moments of arguing the bet was placed and the landlord asked the customer to
prove that his dog could talk.
"OK," said the customer who then turned to his dog and said "what is it that covers a house? " "Roof" the dog replied.
...... "and what is the surface of sandpaper like?" he then asked
"Rough!" replied the dog.
By now the barman was getting annoyed as the customer asked the dog a third question ....."and who recently painted a picture of the Queen?"
"Rolph" the dog replied.
"Right!!! That's it !!! Out -- both of you!!" and with that, the man and his PMD were evicted from the pub. Once outside, the Pyrenean turned to his owner and said .."What's up with him ?? Did I get that last question wrong??"
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A burglar broke into a house one dark night and started to look around with his torch for what he could nick. He suddenly heard a whisper -- "Jesus is watching you!"
Startled, the burglar looked around, and on waving his torch discovered a parrot it it's cage.
"Jesus is watching you!" said the parrot..... and the parrot kept repeating itself.
After a
short time the burglar said to the parrot
... "Ahh, I see now. You are 'trained' to say these words to appeal to my inner
sense of guilt"
"Jesus is watching you" said the parrot.
"Hey, stupid bird," said the burglar ... "I'm not listening anymore !"
"Nah," said the parrot, " you don't understand..... Jesus is the Pyrenean Mountain Dog stood behind you!"
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